Advice for Sluts

So… it may have become clear to you by now that I get around.  I’ve spent the past 30 years falling into beds with weapons-grade weirdos and navigating back out of them while drunk off my ass.  It turns out that I’ve encountered a lot of folks and situations that people seem to find… unique.  I’ve managed not to hurt any of them so badly that they won’t speak to me now, which feels like some kind of an accomplishment.  I’ve striven all my life to be an ethical slut.  I’ve often been clumsy, sometimes callous, but I hope I’ve never been cruel.

It’s come to my attention, also, that we’re short on advice that addresses sluts like me – the polyamorous and yet somehow lonely, the queer and nonbinary and transfolk who still feel invisible, the asexual people wishing cuddling was a sport, the kinky dorks who love porn but hate the slurs in the titles, the working-class Doms buying sex toys at Wal-mart… anybody out there rubbing (or not rubbing) their bits together in ways not approved by the manufacturer.  The puritanical attitude most of us were raised in permits no questions about this shit, and the ongoing tyranny of advertising means that we may not discuss any topic that would set off the ads poorly… like redecorating your living room to match the magazine.

But I’ve got nothing to lose and all the time in the world.  I’ve lived on the internet since it was built, I’ve seen every depth of human depravity you can not unsee, and nothing you’ve ever done will shock me.  And I seem to be given to ranting about other people’s issues at totally unnecessary length.  So I want to help you, if I can.

  • Are you a sub wondering if your Dom is treating you right?
  • Are you mentally ill AND poor AND queer and wondering how to even live?
  • Do you have an STD and need a suave way to disclose that to dates?
  • Do you need a translation of that weird person’s weird behavior?
  • Are you poly and not sure how to share that with your kids?
  • Are you struggling to deal with your spouse coming out?
  • Do you think you might be trans but haven’t experienced dysphoria?
  • Are you a transwoman frustrated with the paucity of porn out there that doesn’t insult or objectify you?
  • Do you just want to know what the fuck TERF means?

I can help you.

It’s okay to ask.

Asking questions about these things is scary, particularly because people the larger culture oppresses are often not interested – rightly so – in educating those with more privilege.  Many transfolk do not want to explain to you why misgendering hurts, they just want you to stop it.  But part of my privilege is a certain detachment from, well, everything, due to being a machine ghost, and I believe that if you’re asking a question in good faith, if you really want to understand, it doesn’t matter if you can’t keep up with the latest acceptable words.  Ask what you want to know, and if I can’t answer you, I can at least tell you how to phrase your question in a way that won’t get you curb-stomped by a queen in platform boots.

If you’re a weirdo, or a slut, or a queer, or confused by any weirdos, sluts, or queers, I can help.

Ask me at

My demographics/qualifications, such as they are, if you find them useful in contextualizing (or dismissing!) my advice:

  • I am a white intersectional feminist.  I don’t pretend to be terribly well-informed in the area of race relations, I just know enough to shut up.  If you’re a POC I probably don’t have any information you need on that subject, and if you’re a white person all I can give you are a lot of good ideas for not being an asshole.
  • I’m a nonbinary, assigned female at birth, polyamorous pansexual married to a transwoman.  I am what you could call a grab-bag of gay, and I spend a lot of time thinking about gender issues, relationship troubles, and life shit in a society that is still not quite comfortable with any gay.  I also know more than I’d like to about how LGBT communities can have internal prejudices and erase people, and I’m here to tell you that your experience is valid and I see you.  You are welcome here even if you don’t look like anyone else here.
  • I’ve lived below the poverty line all my life. (Still there as of this writing.)  I’ve been homeless and I’ve starved, and I held my family together.  I’ve navigated enough low-income physical and mental healthcare nonsense to write a very depressing book while sitting in a waiting room.  I was a staunch Objectivist in high school and now I’ve had it with capitalism, and I can show you why.
  • I’m a fat chick for life, no matter how much weight I lose, and I have absolutely zero patience for body shaming of any kind.  I don’t attach any value judgment to the dimensions of your flesh prison.  You are beautiful, I can see that from here, and were I in proximity, I would take you in a manly fashion.  If that were what you were into.
  • I’m a primarily Dominant switch, and generally a big slutty ho, who believes that sex is a step in getting to know a person, not the end goal of that process, and as a result I no longer recall the names of all the people I’ve fucked.  When in doubt, I guess “Matt” or “Mike.”  Every white boy is named Matt or Mike.  I’ve had an abortion, I’ve never had an STI, I’ve never cheated on a partner and I’ve tried to be ethical in all my dealings with people, clothes on or off.  I don’t think anyone’s sexual needs – anyone’s – make them a criminal in and of themselves.  Behavior can be criminal.  Thoughtcrime is not a thing.  All desires can be served in a safe, sane, consensual, legal way.  Ask me how.

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