In the morning:
I send a song to you. I choose it carefully.
There’s always a reason.
I’d tell you if you asked;
no one ever asks.
I only seem to do this for one person at a time –
it’s my way of courting.
Like leaving flowers at your door
A mouse corpse on your mat
I did not make it; I simply caught it.
Dead things say “I love you.”
Around 10 AM:
I light incense in two places around my apartment,
and I ponder rituals that could accompany this moment.
Like everything, I insist on doing this backwards.
I crave faith, conviction, a sense of meaning
I cherish catechism; my fingers naturally curl to count a rosary.
But though I make the moves on hands and knees,
though I see things and hear voices,
though I go through all the motions of the martyr,
I never pull the trigger
because I still don’t feel a thing.
Religion was like any other fantasy world when I was a child
Jesus was a hero but not as brave as Ged,
A lot whinier than Frodo.
No cool powers.
Woo, he makes fish appear and walks on water?
So he’s a shitty Aquaman, is what you’re saying.
No one divided the Bible from Bradley and Bradbury
So it just seemed like it had too few dragons to me.
My first memory blinds me — the sun on the water in a copper bucket
that also contained me.
The bucket was just big enough for me, and the water
and the infinite light of the sun.
I could never see how this world needed God.
Every day since sixth grade:
I loved her all wrong, then and now —
Far too close in all the wrong places.
Like tongue-kissing a goddess
Like bringing frankincense and myrrh to McDonalds
Like living all my life on my knees
Before the sixteen-year-old girls we were.
Over time it’s become a genre
A color I paint in
One of the shapes that shows up again and again.
If you knew her, you could never miss it —
She’s in every drawing, every story — or something like her,
the pieces of her I stole, and kept, and tended
in my dirt-floor basement heart.
The garden I grew there spawns each day
mycorrhizal homunculi with her eyes.
They tug at my arms, whisper in my ears
Beg to be drawn, to be cherished, to be beautified
To be loved, forever.
To always be loved.