10 – In Memoriam Moron

Been playing Oxygen Not Included all day, so today’s offering is a rage-filled eulogy for my Duplicants. Your little asteroid-mining dudes are so breathtakingly stupid that they can and will:

  • Build themselves into the wall like a very proactive Poe protagonist
  • Get so stressed out by their need to pee that they stop fixing the toilet to fill the room with urine, then complain that their shoes are wet
  • Happily abandon friends and loved ones in pits, behind locked doors, in freezing or boiling water
  • Willingly enter a gas-filled chamber, destroy the exit from the inside, and suffocate to death with a bewildered expression on their face

And so much more. It’s actually good that they’re so infuriatingly dumb; if they were any better at staying alive, I might feel the slightest bit sad when they die.

Trapped beneath the floor, Gossman jumps and flails.
The water’s rising ‘neath his sneakered feet.
Finishing his work, he takes a beat
to be proud of his well-constructed jail.

Above the floor, his friends would help him bail,
but first they’ve got to cook up some lunch meat
and just make sure their bedrooms are neat.
Gossman lets out another bubbling wail.

The light flickers, but then – he sees his wife!
Mi-Ma will save him!
Mi-Ma is sweet and wise!
Trouble is, in a crisis… Mi-Ma cries.
As sure as if she stabbed him with a knife,
she drowns her gurgling husband with her eyes,
just so upset that she can’t save his life!

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