FIRST BOOK FOR TERRIBLE CHILDREN
HOME OR FIELD REFERENCE
NUMEROUS ILLUSTRATIONS, ENGRAVINGS,
AND HORRIFYING STORIES
TO WARD AND GIRD OUR CHILDREN
ARM THEIR MAD RESISTANCE
Chapter One: Lessons in Starvation
Thank you for purchasing this refurbished Ravenous Router™! All routers have been thoroughly inspected by the Starvation Street™ Specialists, and include all essential parts and accessories.
Should your router be unable to access the internet, check that your internet connection is active, and then use the router status lights on the front panel to troubleshoot ongoing issues as follows:
If all lights are red:
First, abase yourself.
Array offerings at the router’s feet
(Port 80: gold, rice.
Port 25: meat.)
Sacrifice local lymph to router’s health.
If two lights are red:
Shun router (ten days).
Power cycle and hold button on rear
until three nictitating eyes appear
and recite your thirteen-word access phrase.
If all lights are dark:
Please, do not despair.
Approach the router clad only in silk.
(Abstain from eating twelve hours before)
Adorn front panel with lock of your hair.
Recite (in Sanskrit) settings to restore.
(Remember to siphon out router milk.)