A Manual of Happiness

One does not discover the absurd without being tempted to write a manual of happiness. – Albert Camus, “The Myth of Sisyphus” Content warning: lots of explicit talk about suicide and the mindset that accompanies suicidal ideation. I bang on about absurdism a lot, but I haven’t really put anything coherent together explaining what I …

99 – Lost and Found

This project has been therapeutic for me in a couple of ways – certainly if you’ve been following along at all you’ll notice me dumping my brainweasels all over everywhere, so it’s cathartic if nothing else. The more I do, and the more I force myself to see that I do, the more I acquire …

98 – The Lying Machine

This started out as advice my therapist gave me, when I complained about being unable to trust myself. It’s difficult to make good decisions when I’m very aware of how profoundly trauma has shaped my worldview and the way I interpret what happens to me. If I can’t get good data about what’s going on …

94 – Understudy

I guess I’m just self-flagellating this weekend. Yesterday four hours in a tattoo chair, today re-reading sites about narcissistic parents. I don’t keep going back to this stuff because I’m learning something new about narcissism – I’ve got a grasp on the pathology and it’s not complicated – but because reading other people’s stories of …

92 – The Last One

Poetry inspired by poetry. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a huge bitchard (gender-neutral form of “bitch/bastard,” tell your friends) about poetry. I’m only willing to admit to liking a poet if I’ve been blown away by literally everything I’ve read of theirs. 100% quality or nothin’. It’s not about mechanical aptitude; it’s not about format. …

84 – Parthenogenesis

One of the things you hear a lot in support communities for the children of narcissists is, “Don’t go to the hardware store for milk.” It refers to the tempting tendency to continue trying to get what you deserved and needed as a child – love, support, approval, guidance – from a person, usually a …

82 – No Reason

Okay, I’m going to quote from The Fountainhead here, but please don’t get up and leave just yet – I used to be an Objectivist, I’m not anymore, and I’m happy to get into it with you about how poorly most people (including Ayn Rand herself) execute on her philosophy, but none of that is …

79 – Naked

I gotta get back at the Shadowplay rewrite, if only because the world is always and perpetually lacking for decent queer love stories and erotica, and Keshena is a person who, ahem… gets around. She has some of the same issues relating to women that I do, obviously, as she’s the poor puppet I invented …

76 – Low Tide

Don’t strain yourself reading into this, I’ll just tell you – it’s a metaphor for anxiety. That’s what it is. I’m anxious and thinking about sea urchins and writhing clenching things in my belly. The tide goes out again, and leaves behinda pack of things that should by rights have shellsprefer to be protected by …