68 – Remain

I’m trying to be still. I’m not quite sure what I mean by that, but I’m going to feel my way toward it here, if you’ll hold my hand and bear with me. We’ll get there. I’m not one of those people who can’t be convinced they’re wrong. As a people-pleasing perfectionist, I tend to …

59 – Empty Mirror

So we’ve been tripping on Camus and absurdism and Buddhism and a lot of pot here for about a week – not that any of that is new in the grand scheme of my life, just moved to the front burner and fully boiling at the moment. We have reached a thrilling new stage of …

57 – Fine Print

I have this… pathological aversion to the legal babble that occurs at the end of commercials for cars and drugs. It provokes this violent physical response in me, like I want to scratch my skin off. This is the shitty side of being synesthetic. It’s awesome when a pretty girl takes me to a laser …

55 – Leshya

Keshena’s story gets real sad, real quick, and it doesn’t get much better by the end. The more I work on it, the more I understand the trauma of my own that I was expressing through her, and the errors in her thinking that lead to her never being able to grow beyond that. I …

50 – Kaleidoscope

Owing to, y’know, all the writing, I’ve somewhat neglected to notice what a very visual thinker I am – everything’s keyed to color and shape in a way that is inconvenient when it loses things and fucking wizardry when it succeeds. I read From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler at a tender …

49 – Doldrums

Content warning: when I’m grouchy I get really gag-inducingly explicit about self-harm and suicidal ideation, I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s some kind of cry for help.

46 – Anachronism

One of the frustrating things about therapy, for me, has been that I feel immense pressure to give up portions of myself in order to be healthy. I’m not sure if this pressure is from my therapist or myself or both – probably a little of both. The thing is… I’m a person who loves …

45 – Let’s Pretend

It’s funny that I didn’t stumble upon The Belonging Kind before today, considering what a huge Gibson nerd I was as a kid. It’s hit me hard. So much of my daily life feels like a performance, and unlike seemingly everyone I’ve ever known who’s felt the same way, I don’t hate it. I hate …

44 – The Wild One

I have a busy day today – freelancing, man, no weekends – so you’re getting something early instead of me scrambling to do it later. Imagine that, it’s like a Christmas miracle. When I was a kid, I was really into wilderness survival stories; I think I’ve mentioned it. Island of the Blue Dolphins is …

41 – I’m Sorry

This one has a content warning. I’m sorry for this. I’m having a rough week. I feel like I shouldn’t burden you with this, but… I couldn’t manage to write about anything else. So, content warning: self-harm.